“I would like to give my child every opportunity that I did not receive.” As a counsellor, it has been my privilege to interact with several thousand families over a decade. Most parents come to our first meeting with what I call “alienating problem statements”— generic goals and broad unexamined guidelines for success with a generous amount of FOMO (fear of missing out) mixed in. The kids wait sullenly only to nod their heads when addressed directly by the parents. Yes, they want to get into this university. Yes, they will be serious about their new responsibilities. Yes, they have a tutor for every subject at school. Yes, they are doing the mandatory test prep for the aptitude test just as their friends are. Therefore (so the parents finally conclude) things are in progress. Aren’t they? This is where my work begins. The message I have for the parents is “your child is not merely your responsibility.” By treating your children as just one of the many responsibilities you have, you end up not helping them achieve their true potential. Let’s look at some of the most common traps:
1) Using unexamined comparisons to measure your child’s potential:
Drawing comparisons with their peers puts the child in a defensive mode where learning becomes a matter of restriction and anxiety. Does your child really need a tutor for that English class you can yourself guide him in? Will guiding your child really involve hour long classes or just a friendly conversation over textbooks every day? Stay involved and let your child stay motivated.
2) Speaking from a position of unassailable authority:
It’s essential to be calm and non-judgemental whenever you are talking to a teenager or a young adult. Foundations of decision making have to be laid via productive conversations and sharing of experiences. Isn’t life all about problem solving? Trust me, everyone has their own set of problems they are going through. It’s essential that you are able to break the ice with them via always taking a friendly approach. If they make an error they should not think twice before approaching you.
3) Imposing expectations:
Your kids are first and foremost not yours. They are not possessions. They are individuals with individual strengths and interests. Now, if you expect kids to read and use time more productively you cannot just start imposing your ideas on them. It’s essential for equality and friendship to be there in the family. Do you get after the child about reading, try instead to read and have several conversations about recent events. You can also watch a show together and then analyse it together. That’s the right way of doing it! Friendship, understanding and honest communication will change the way your children look at things.
