Are You a Helicopter Parent?

“I would like to give my child every opportunity that I did not receive.” As a counsellor, it has been my privilege to interact with several thousand families over a decade. Most parents come to our first meeting with what I call “alienating problem statements”— generic goals and broad unexamined guidelines for success with a generous amount of FOMO (fear of missing out) mixed in. The kids wait sullenly only to nod their heads when addressed directly by the parents. Yes, they want to get into this university. Yes, they will be serious about their new responsibilities. Yes, they have a tutor for every subject at school. Yes, they are doing the mandatory test prep for the aptitude test just as their friends are. Therefore (so the parents finally conclude) things are in progress. Aren’t they? This is where my work begins. The message I have for the parents is “your child is not merely your responsibility.” By treating your children as just one of the many responsibilities you have, you end up not helping them achieve their true potential. Let’s look at some of the most common traps: 

1) Using unexamined comparisons to measure your child’s potential:

Drawing comparisons with their peers puts the child in a defensive mode where learning becomes a matter of restriction and anxiety. Does your child really need a tutor for that English class you can yourself guide him in? Will guiding your child really involve hour long classes or just a friendly conversation over textbooks every day? Stay involved and let your child stay motivated.

2) Speaking from a position of unassailable authority:

It’s essential to be calm and non-judgemental whenever you are talking to a teenager or a young adult. Foundations of decision making have to be laid via productive conversations and sharing of experiences. Isn’t life all about problem solving? Trust me, everyone has their own set of problems they are going through. It’s essential that you are able to break the ice with them via always taking a friendly approach. If they make an error they should not think twice before approaching you.

3) Imposing expectations:

Your kids are first and foremost not yours. They are not possessions. They are individuals with individual strengths and interests. Now, if you expect kids to read and use time more productively you cannot just start imposing your ideas on them. It’s essential for equality and friendship to be there in the family. Do you get after the child about reading, try instead to read and have several conversations about recent events. You can also watch a show together and then analyse it together. That’s the right way of doing it! Friendship, understanding and honest communication will change the way your children look at things.

4) Expecting drastic behavioural changes:

Guiding your child does demand a list of do’s and don’ts. However, I would keep it very generic to ensure that the message is received loud and clear and rationally. For instance, humility is a trait everyone benefits from. You can tell them to be humble if you find they lack humility but don’t expect them to change overnight. Help them through the process of reaching the goals you set for them.

5) Overdoing encouragement:

Parents wish to throw open a world of opportunities to their children, leaving no stone unturned. Therein lies the problem– THEY leave no stone unturned; leaving nothing for the child to turn over, to search and explore, to find the mushrooms and the centipedes.

6) Being the High School Parent:

No Parent can be in High School; you are correctly the Parent of a High Schooler. The stress and worry come with the territory of being a parent. Add the extra dash of exasperation of being a parent to a Teenager on the cusp of planning his/her own future, and you will feel like you are back in High School yourself. Take a step back. Give your children more autonomy. Guide them, motivate them, protect them by all means but also let them figure life out as you had to. Walk the path with them rather than ahead of them. Plan with them, discuss with them, guide them, let them overtake you and watch them walk away into the sunset, congratulating yourself on a job well done. 

As a counselor, the simplest mantra I can suggest – communicate, communicate, communicate. Parents and children, identify your strengths, focus on local realities, keep ample room to embrace and incorporate situations beyond your control and above all, remember, you sign off on your own Life’s Report Card.

I recall a parent visiting our Centre without her child and insisting we draw up a report bearing bar graphs, trend analysis and a complete Performance Matrix of possible opportunities at the Top 10 Universities basis her Child’s 3-year academic performance.

These Boardroom Tools and Numerical extrapolations of Psychometric Tests are just that – tools. The heart and soul of the Child, THEIR dreams and aspirations, THEIR risk-taking abilities are what make all the difference.

Parents should remember that even if the results of their child’s performance fall short of their myriad expectations, saying ‘I told you so’ should always be at the bottom of the list of outcomes because such an attitude only serves to hinder your child’s progress by making them feel short of their own potential instead of encouraging them to be in the lead.